As I approach my first 90 days sober I find myself in an interesting place in life. There are a lot of changes that are happening in my surrounding and I contribute that to all the changes that have taken place within my soul. Currently we are prepping a move to my husbands home state and we are very excited. However I do not think that this would happen if I hadn’t gone through this process of getting sober.
These first 90 days have been interesting, amazing, wonderful, horrible, terrifying and everything else. I made it through IOP which in itself has allowed be to grow. However I find myself struggling with the idea of AA and the 12 steps. When I started this path I was resistant to going to AA and getting a sponsor. Partially because of social anxiety and not allowing my self and soul to be open to others. The disease still wanted me to isolate and didn’t want me to connect to others. RAT BASTARD!! One day, 15 days sober, I took the leap and got that sponsor.
That day I walked into the meeting, which later became my home group, and sat down. When she walked in I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I knew it was her. That she was the one that was going to help me walk this path. It wasn’t until later that I realized why I felt so connected with her. Yes we had things in common but it was because in my soul she reminded me of my grandma who passed a few years ago. I would say that asking her to be my sponsor was the first time I truly participated in my own recovery. Each step, each time I actively participated I felt amazing and strong. In the almost 3 months of no alcohol I have allowed myself to recognize my emotions and struggle with them; TO FEEL THEM!
I verbalize, I communicate, I have taken steps to overcome my many irrational (some rational) fears. I feel amazing. A large part of the 12 step program relies on God as you know him, or a higher power. However I struggle with that. I am not sure who or what my higher power is. I started with God but didn’t want to call him that, it evolved to the spirit of those I have loved that have passed away, now I know him simply as: Peace.
Peace of mind, spirit and body. I get that through many things recently working with horses (a fear that I am overcoming), moving to the mid-west, and working on me. I know what these past 90(ish) days have given me. I don’t know what the next 90 hold. And to be honest I don’t care. I will take the saying “One day at a time” for me it is “One Second at a time”. Each second is one I have never lived before and am blessed to experience. I will end with a poem that has meant so much to me in recovery.
I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost... I am hopeless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. II I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I'm in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. III I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in...it's a habit My eyes are open; I know where I am; It is my fault. I get out immediately. IV I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. V I walk down another street. ― Portia Nelson,