Baby Blues!!!

A common thread of this blog will be conception, or lack there of. As I struggle to have children of my own I will blog about it, with the hopes that I will stop “stressing out” about it (as many people tell me not to). To start this thread I have chosen to title the initial post Baby Blues!!!!

And away we go….

This post is the first that I have written since being back from a mini vacation with my husband to Puerto Rico. We had a wonderful time and talked about a lot of things one of them being “When are we going to adopt?” The topic came about when we were touring Castillo de san Cristobal. It was a beautiful place. Amazing views and such a strong and rich history, and as a history buff myself I was enamored by every aspect. Though the child/adoption conversation did put a damper on the beauty that surrounded us.

The end result of the conversation was good but the process that we worked through to get there was very emotional for both of us. My feelings on this subject are well known to my husband and the people that I am closest to. I WANT A CHILD. That is what I want most in this world. So when it comes to seeing pictures of other peoples children on social media or in person, seeing kids interacting with one another or with their families it hurts my hear. We have been married for almost 4 years and we have yet to conceive a child. To put salt in the wound we are no longer in a financial position to work with the fertility clinic.

All of those factors came to a head on our trip. I got very emotional during the conversation and felt like he was blaming me for us not having children. He stated that with our current financial position and with the business it would not feasible to adopt a child, yet! I heard that I had to choose over having my business or having a child. Though I would choose a child I felt it was unfair to make me choose. This was my point of view on the conversation. To my surprise my husband had deep feelings on this issue.

Every time that we discuss children and adoption he seems disinterested. It has always been that way so to my surprise he said that when I bring up this topic I make him feel like he is not good enough. I had many emotions run thru me at that point. I was shocked that he felt this way andI was sad that I made him feel this way. There was so much going thru me that it was hard to identify all of them.

Our conversation was very productive and we were able to identify how we truly felt, agreed to try share our feelings before we just blurt them out to the surprise of the other person. Though I still want a child now. I know we are not in a place to adequately take care of one. We agreed that in 1 year we would look at where the business is and reevaluate our situation. Until then we will make strides to build the business and put ourselves in a better place so that when we do bring a child into our home we will be able to take care of them. AND if by the grace of God we do conceive then we will make it work.

Though my heart still aches and I still avoid pictures and interaction with all the bundles of joy in the world. I feel lighter. I feel like there is light at the end of tunnel and I don’t have to adjust to never having a child.

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